One of my reasons for setting up a substack is so that I can get away from twitter and the twitter mentality. Here are some paragraphs based on ideas for tweets that flashed through my head over the past couple of days.
1)
A smarty pants gag linking the Facebook outage to the recent UK petrol shortages. It would have gone something like: Reliable sources tell me that the bandwidth for Facebook and Instagram is absolutely fine and more than enough for anyone who wants to look at a normal amount of posts and photos. The shortage is being caused because everyone is trying to surf lots of posts at the same time because Remainers are spreading lies about how Brexit is effecting the bandwidth supply.
How this paragraph would have performed if it was a tweet: About eight likes from people who felt that it was witty and was in accordance with their political orientations. There might have been a few snarky replies from people who support Brexit if it happened to turn up in their timelines. Outside chance of getting retweeted by one of my bigger followers.
How I would have felt at the response: Whenever I write a rubbish joke that I think is really smart, I assume that it will get lots of likes and get shared a lot. This will in turn make me feel better about myself as a clever and funny person. Therefore, the eight or so likes will leave me feeling crushed. If it gets retweeted by a high profile follower and garners hundreds of likes, I’ll become a little sick with fear and mute the post. I will not cotton on to the absurdity of my simultaneous need and dread for attention.
2)
I got a new glasses prescription for my long sightedness last week and while they rendered the world sharper, it was also wobbly and wonky so I had to wear them constantly for a few days to get used to the wobbly wonkiness. Mrs O’Sullivan had the day off work so we caught an early screening of No Time To Die. Partway through I noticed that the projected image seemed a bit out of focus. I kept lowering my gaze to peer over the top of my specs and then went back to viewing it through my new bins. Yes, it definitely seemed to be a bit blurry. I looked a few more times for the next few minutes (the critics were probably right in saying the middle of the film is a bit ropy) and then the devastating truth hit me: the image wasn’t blurry, IT WAS LOW RES!!! I was watching a standard 2k projection of a film that would have looked way better on my 4k, HDR telly at home and I wouldn’t have had to sit next to lots of maskless strangers who kept walking past me to go for a lash as I masticated on overpriced popcorn. The sound was better though, to be fair and nobody checked their phone because it was a posher, more expensive cinema than the one we usually go to.
How this paragraph would have performed if it was a tweet: one or two sympathy likes from people that felt bad for me writing such an anal tweet.
How I would have felt about the response: Despite the knowledge that most of my followers don’t care about digital projection fidelity, the muted response might have left me a little disappointed and alone.
3)
Shirty reply to the raging narcissist who keeps talking about how many millions have watched his video about Boris Johnson being a liar but we have to share it more because then it will have a proper effect. It’s a bit like a chain letter for centrists. I probably would have pointed out how they keep on appearing in the video like some kind of newsreader when they could have just shown the footage of the lies with accompanying captions. I might have also pointed out how the tens of millions of views are probably enough to show that most people aren’t really bothered about the Prime Minister being a liar and that those who vote Tory do so on the basis of other metrics.
How this would have performed if it was a tweet: Probably a half dozen likes unless the narcissist is googling themselves and responds, leading to me being branded a Tory/Brexiter by thousands of people with FBPE in their username.
How I would have felt about the response: Probably would have been okay with being cancelled by the centrists. I might have muted the thread or set my account to private but I otherwise would have lined up to pick up my kids from a school where the majority of parents are working class and don’t really care about this kind of thing. I might have mused on the idea of being momentarily hated by and then forgotten by people who don’t really care or know who I am.
3)
I will be live streaming on YouTube tonight (Wednesday 6th October) at 8pm Uk time. I’ll be playing the 80s postal service worker with a mid-life crisis simulator, Lake, and live writing poems as I play it.
How this would have performed if it was a tweet: Poorly, nobody is bothered about my poetry and gaming streams because the poetry/gaming niche is still pretty small and probably full of resentment for any poetry/gaming niche types who end up getting more attention for a moment.
How I would have felt about the response: Fine. I really enjoy the poetry/gaming stream even when nobody is watching it. It’s one of the few things I do that functions as its own reward and feels like an escape from all the other neurotic foibles of my online life. That’s why I’m considering quitting it.
Paragraphs that might have been tweets, the response they might have received and how I might have felt about those responses (6/10/21)