Jan 25 • 3M

THE REAL MAN SELF-IMPROVEMENT PLAN

A silly advert for a male empowerment course inspired this poem

 
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Day 1. How to Talk to Anyone

By diving into a natural pause in the middle of their sentence like a puma pouncing onto a startled fawn.

Day 2. The Power of Habit

You don’t feel the power of your own wisdom until you’ve dressed up as a nun.

Day 3. The 4-Hour Body

You can be far more productive if you only use your body 4-hours a day via our “Passive Income and Opium” plan.

Day 4. Rich Dad Poor Dad

No one will take you seriously if you tell them that your Dad is middle class.

Day 5. The 5 second rule

Always make your point in exactly 5 se

Day 6. The Power of Now

Or, as our branding team call it, Now-er.

Day 7. The 10X Rule

Attractive people find you irresistible when you tell them you have 10 exes.

Day 8. Unlimited Memory

Be ready to recall the exact details of the Pizza Express you visited twenty years ago while not sweating.

Day 9. 12 Rules for Life

something something crabs something something bed something something enforced monogamy something something meat

Day 10. Limitless

There is no greater expanse than the suppurating void of your own soul.

Day 11. Think and Grow Rich

Works spectacularly if you were already rich and other people are perpetuating your wealth for a fraction of what you pay your accountants.

Day 12. Quiet

Scream this into the face of your underlings whenever they use the word “union”.

Day 13. Not Nice

Scream this into the face of your underlings while crossing the picket line after they unionised anyway.

Day 14. The 80/20 principle

The DiCaprio method of girlfriend selection.

Day 15. The 5 Love Languages

Money, body, python, jive, french.

Day 16. The 5am Club

Avoid dying in your sleep by waking up early.

Day 17. Lean in

Because “Get Back” destroyed the Beatles.

Day 18. Elon Musk

Elon Musk.

Day 19. Thinking Fast and Slow

Because nothing is easier to control than your own thoughts.

Day 20. Steal Like an Artist

Sorry, that “like” should have been a “from”.

Day 21. Inner Engineering

Look within and tighten your nuts.

Day 23. How to Do Nothing

Die.

Day 24. You’re Not Listening

But nobody will know if you make this face.

Day 25. Joy at Work

Because if you find happiness in your own work you will become more productive which will make you richer and you will be one day able to accrue all the friends, wealth and influence you need to be happy in a way that doesn’t involve lying to yourself.

(Written after the journalist Cian Maher posted on Twitter taking the mick out of an image of an advert for a men’s self-improvement course that cropped up in his instagram feed).